True but thats because hes a fetus.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
