I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
