Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
