ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I AM VODKA MAN
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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