Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
