chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
