my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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