dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
