If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
