Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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