It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
