I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
