I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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