The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize