im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
