omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
