My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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