im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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