I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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