i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
