i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
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