did you get engaged???
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
