I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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