meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
It was confusing and full of hummus
you didnt know i had herpes?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Naked Twister starts at high noon
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
