If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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