y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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