maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
