guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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