I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You can't special order awesome
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
