Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
