First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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