During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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