"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
