someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
