i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
