he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
