I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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