I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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