she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize