I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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