Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
