i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
