Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
