Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I have fence marks all over my body
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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