i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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