someone get that fucking seahorse.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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