My room smells like vodka and shame
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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