Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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