If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
no, he came in my armpit
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We just shotgunned beers for America
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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