walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
