I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
