I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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