Life is so much better after having sex.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
