Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
