I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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