when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize