i just sent this text using only my big toe
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
