I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
