so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
