you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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