haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
