i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
