3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
